Om mane padme home

6:30 am, and it's a Saturday! But Liam woke up and i found him at the foot of his bed near the wall, seemed wide awake but i managed to tuck him back in.   I didn't think I'd really get back to sleep so i came down to make my coffee and write.   Like i was doing for a while in the Tassajara house last spring and summer.  For so long i was imagining this house we're in now, our house.  I was picturing walking down stairs (they're a novelty still!) and wondering which corner would be my space for early morning alone time.
Oh....there goes the train (I still love the sound).
It was a hard week.  Sometimes i feel guilty having a hard week because there is so much good in my life right now, so much to be grateful for.   See? There I go again being hard on myself.
I was frustrated at Liam's downturn in potty training, twas a week of billions of changed pairs of wet underwear.  No smiley faces on his school potty chart.  I was having a week where i was feeling tired of being his mom.   I mean, feeling that being his mom is tiring. A little feeling sorry for myself moment.  And it's true.  The constant advocating, for his education and his health...  My mom suggested i just let the school deal with Liam's education, even stay out of it completely, give myself a little break.  She might be right.   but it's hard to step back when for the four years of his life i have done everything, been on top of it all.
And always researching.  "The role of chromosomes is to code for proteins. Because patients with DS have extra chromosome material, they experience genetic overexpression of specific amino acids and polypeptides. One of the proteins that is overexpressed in DS is copper-zinc superoxide dismutase type 1 (SOD-1).¹¹ The genes coding for this important antioxidant are found on chromosome 21 (21q21-22.3) in an area called the DS critical region. Case reports of partial trisomy 21 support the hypothesis that the genes in this region are involved in the phenotype of DS.^12-14 Moreover, SOD-1 activity has been found to be increased by about 50% in all tissues of patients with DS.^1"
Oh my, i studied art and education, and my brain is most certainly not wired to start learning how to think like a scientific researcher.   But I'm trying.

And FOMO.  Fear of missing out.  I'm not sure if my family invented that one or not.   But I got it.  I have lots of mixed feelings about how much involvement I want to give my kid's school. I applied for a very part time job there.   I didn't get it.  That knocked me down harder than i thought it would.  But I have to keep telling myself it's for a reason.   I have a lot going on.  And I am a creative soul that also needs alone time.   Perhaps I need a bit of help managing my time, but not filling it with more commitments.  My mom reminded me what a big year this last one was, with buying our house among other things.  Sara, allow yourself to keep settling in, enjoy it.  I keep telling myself I want to volunteer more, but something is holding me back and I can't figure out what it is.
Deep breath.
In my neighborhood is a little yoga studio.  I checked the schedule and Friday mornings there is a half priced community class.  This is what I need.   Focus on calming the mind and body.   I need this.   And it helps when I can do it affordably.   So before work I walked the two blocks through my new neighborhood to this sweet little studio.  The streets were wet but it wasn't cold.  There were the clank clank sounds of work happening in the little warehouses that populate my new 'hood.  And inside the studio, I looked out on a little garden, and San Luis mountain behind it.   Ah...

Now I need to make the effort to have this be part of my routine.  It is important.  I am  important.  Let me say that again, so I can hear myself.   So that when I find the ability to take care of myself, I will be a better mother and wife.   I am important.