how do i *&%! go easy on myself?

Edit: This post was in draft form from about 6 weeks ago.   Things have gotten better.

I am having an internal crisis.  I am more and more aware how not beneficial it is to live so much inside my head, to constantly work, and rework conversations and decisions and worries. Im usually someone who likes to be a helper, a doer. Active.

I know how to teach.  I trained for this.  I have ideas.  I know how a flexible routine can be good for kids.  But I am flip flopping all day long on my thoughts about this.  It's hard too because I am not the one implementing it most days, but I created a rough idea for a schedule for the mornings at least.

Yesterday I did work with Liam in the morning with lots of breaks between activities, and after lunch I said it was his turn to use the Chrome book for ST Math.  He loves to use tech and even tough I usually have to remind him it is not for Sing videos, he's happy to just be on it.  But he wasn't into it, he kept signing himself out.  ....
My partner and I have different ideas about how to do things and I just don't know how we are going to manage and blend our styles for...who knows how long.
So I closed it all up, said "We're done", and went upstairs. I locked myself in the walk in closet and had myself a good cry.  I cried about family dynamics and my abilities as a teacher and mom. I cried about the larger world.
Finally I washed my face and came out, deciding I'd go for a run by myself.   Liam was in his room under his bunk bed playing with Barbies under a blanket. I crawled in with him and curled up there on the floor. He broke out a huge smile and said "This is fun!"  Yes, I said, it is.  Then he made me some food and we played.
And of course now I am berating myself for trying so hard to do ST math when what made him HAPPY was to play with his mom under the bed.


Reset.

I went for the run. Before we even started dinner I remembered Liam had been saying "Mom I want to make cookies for the neighbors. Not for us, just the neighbors."  Oh, this boy. I asked him to write out a list of ingredients.   Then I made an executive decision to leave out the ice and the pepper.
I also said that for this time, as generous and loving as his idea was, we could take a photo to post on the neighborhood Facebook page and eat the cookies ourselves.   It wasn't that hard to convince him.