shared stories

http://www.kellehampton.com/2010/01/nella-cordelia-birth-story.html Just read this blog a friend sent me. The birth story is so real to me. So familiar. And I cried. All these tears of recognition, of sadness and joy. Everything she talked about: the last days with an only child. The big sister's unconditional love and joy at her sibling. The shock of learning you don't have a "normal" child or situation (loaded words, I know). A brief desire to be pregnant again, planning for baby, playing with older/only child, with no knowledge of the NICU, diagnosis' and tests and harder than expected recovery from delivery.

I still look at Liam and find myself thinking, Does he look like he has Down Syndrome from this angle? Oh, he looks "normal" from this angle! And i don't like myself for thinking these thoughts. Because he is perfect and I love him. But these thoughts are normal. It is a process, dealing with all these different emotions I have. I will share our birth story. For now, read the above mentioned blog - it is very well written.

An outing!

We took a regular outing like normal people! It was so nice to get dressed, put on earrings. We drove downtown (bad environmental

ists) because I'm still trying not to walk too much and overdo it (as of Wednesday my stitches are still in place - thank GOD!).

We went to Kreuzburg Cafe because they have lots of couches which as you can imagine is a lot more comfortable for me. I had a latte and Lupe enjoyed her muffin, Pedro too. Liam slept in the carseat the whole time, and we all perused the magazines and books. When I said to Lupe, "Do you want to look at a book or magazine?", she grabbed what was closest on the table next to her, which happened to be The Age of Enlightenment- can you tell from the photo? She was pretty content looking at it- it had some pictures- for at least 20 minutes! Made me think of when we went to visit her uncle in Berkeley and went to a bookstore where she spent a while with Frederick Douglas' The End of Slavery....! Smart girl.

Speaking of smart kids, I have been trying to post a video of Liam (isn't working), the other day he found his thumb and sucked it! Brilliant.

this was on the way home form the hospital last sunday.

Saturday: Liam has nursed 3x today, and it isn't quite noon yet! I even heard swallowing. See the milk coma pic?

And the pic of me is Lupe's first foray into photo!

You know how in the last post I said,"Stitches be damned"? Well, they didn;t like me saying that, and decided to come undone again. Holy #$%^&#. I'll be damned if getting stitched in my most delicate areas is a weekly routine. Is the only way to recperate to get admitted to the hospital again? Just kidding. Life is good too, remember I am using this blog to journal, and we often express the not all positive stuff, cause we need to "desahogarse", to get it all out.
The nurse came yesterday and Liam nursed well for 5 min each side.
And my hair looks good!
See? That was positive!
PS- Lupe is having fun at camp.

Stitches, sleep deprivation and Bible Camp

Stitches be damned, I have to be better now, cause Liam's home and it's a lot of work! Oh, I am so tired. I slept all of 3 hours last night, and just got an hour more. It's 10:30 am. It's not that he's up crying a lot. It;s that in the day he sleeps 4 hours at a strtech and at night is cluster feeding it seems. And he makes lots of funny noises. One, I listen wondering if he's ok, if he's spitting up, or having trouble breathing through his nose. And two, I just can't sleep if he's making noises beside me. So....

So, Bible Camp. I can't believe it, but Lupe is in Bible Camp at a church and I don't even know where. We are grateful to our friend for the suggestion, as we REALLY need to recuperate and feel bad scolding Lupe so much (LOts of new things to learn, and we are tired and grumpy). Lupe needs to go somewhere where people have the energy to play with her. And she has a friend there. And we do thank God before meals, for family, farmworkers and friends. And if she comes home mentioning Jesus, well, he was a good guy. May not agree with many churches, but I do believe in his original teachings.

Lupe and Pedro willbe back soon, we'll see how it went!

HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He's coming home today!! Just waiting for Pedro to come home from work and we will go get him. I am excited and nervous. Excited and nervous. It's like being a mom for the first time again. Will I be a nervous wreck with no monitors to tell me his heart rate and oxygen saturation is normal? I'm sure within a day or two it will all be ok and normal. I am sure he willthrive once he is around his mama and family all the time. Skin to skin more than 2-3 times a day. This has gotta help with the nursing too, right?
All I have been saying to moms for my WIC job the last two years is out the door! I'd be an even better peer counselor now with all this new experience and renewed sympathy!
Ok, no more blog...rest Sara, rest!

Pump, pump, pump.....wash parts....eat....try to rest...pump, pump, pump.

It's a good day so far! went in this morning and there were no tubes in Liam's nose!!! No oxygen- they weaned him last night and it was such a joy to see his face this morning without tubes. Now we'll just make sure he is gaining weight and he may be home sooner than we thought. I am still though trying to live day by day with no expectations. Don't want to be disappointed. But today feels pretty promising. And a physical therapist came and talked to us and while Liam will have lower muscle tone than other babies, and it may take a little longer to hit developmental milestones like rolling over, sitting up, crawling, etc, she thought he was definitely on the higher end of the continuum.

Yeah for Liam!

And yesterday I went to a support group for moms with babies who are in who have been in the NICU, at Andrea Herron's office. What a godsend! Thank you mamas! It was so nice, and everyone was so sympathetic and kind, they had all been through it and come out the other end, had happy babies on their laps.

Yeah for support groups!

(picture taken last night)

Lupe

I don't know if I can wtite this without crying. Even if LIam were not in the nicu, I am mourning the end of an era with my Lupita. Of it being the two of us all week, our morning routine, the things we do. Lupe and mama.

And the thing is, she will never remember it. She is only 3. She will remember life as a hermana, a big sister. Why is it so hard for moms to see them grow up? Since she turned 3 I have seen such huge changes. It is beautiful but damn if it doesn't make me tear up. (are tears bad for the computer keyboard?)

She had one hard day when I came home from the hospital, but is doing pretty well now. Asides frm the fact that she hasn't gone to bed before 10:30 in 10 days and she only gets her siesta sometimes.

But she saw Liam's photo and said, OH, he's cute! And I heard her sayto her baby Lucia: Mama has to go to the hospital and take leche to Liam.

ok, enough emotional writing for one morning. off to take a shower and go to the hospital...

Cansada

I. AM. EXHAUSTED. There are good moments, yes. But sometimes it feels like too much to handle. Yesterday the doctor thought since Liam was waking up more when hungry and eating well, we should start just feeding on demand. Well, that would be easy if he was at home. I have had a routine this week of who takes me to the hospital at 9 am, 3 pm, 6 pm. People want to help, but when the NICU calls to say, He's awake and hungry!, I just can't seem to have the brain power to think who would be best to call. I can't make decisions. People also want to bring meals which is so awesome, but I can't possibly be the one to decide any kind of calendar- isn't there some kind of website to help do something like that? And playdates with Lupe. I know it doesn't rest on my shoulders everything, but it feels like it- is that what moms do? Are we all like this, feeling we have to take care of it all?

So, feed on demand. Come to the hospital at a momnet's notice (thank god we are close). I feel almost ready to drive myself (then it's just figuring out who is with Lupe). Then I see my OB. STitches have come out in two spots and she sews me back up right there. So now I hurt again and I am afraid to move too much or sit down much for fear of loosening the stitches. Good lord.

Yesterday his oxygen had to go up again (we want it to go down). BUt he did nurse for half an hour- that was pretty awesome. Didn;t nurse again that day. One day at a time. One hour at a time. Let go and let God.

Why write a blog?

It is 7 am. I should be resting for another hour before I get up at 8 to take a shower, get my breastmilk out of the fridge and head to the hospital. But i'm in bed, next to my trusty breast pump, listening to the neighborhood wake up and starting this blog.

I am writing it with two purposes in mind. Three actually. To help me process all that is going on in la vida de Liam. To update friends and families (gracias a Dios we have such a wide circle, how blessed we are) because honestly it is exhausting to update everyone one by one. And perhaps at some point to share with other parents who are adjusting to having a baby in the NICU, who have an older daughter who is dealing amazingly well with not being able to meet her baby brother, or who are adjusting and coming to terms with and accepting the idea that they have a baby with Down Syndrome.
I see a perfect little human being when I look at my son (how strange to say "my son!"). SOme have said already he looks like his sister. The oxygen being given to him is slowly being weaned which is great news. Feeding is going alright. He latches occassionally and if he won't, I give him a bottle of my milk and try again. Perhaps I'll talk about breastfeeding in another post. I have had to throw all my preconceived notions and expectations out the door and realize that whatever we have to do to just get him home is what needs to happen.

Here is a picture of Liam before he went up to the NICU. Before all pictures include tubes for oxygen in his nose, monitoring tubes connected to torso and feet. The precious moments after my life transforming vbac birth. After Lupe's cesarean birth, to have a vaginal birth was the culmination of all my dreams. It was soemthing so sacred and profound, primal and spiritual. Perhaps only moms can understand this. It is hard to describe the feeling of his body slipping out of me in a rush after the intensity of pushing. A dream come true. Thank you to my mom and Pedro for being there and to my oh so special doula Megan for being the support I needed.